Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Sadness

Yesterday, the sadness returned. We just got back from a day of fun when my son was struck with sadness, he instantly began crying as he looked at me with desperate, confused eyes. I could see the alarming look on his face, as he was startled by this quick onset of emotion. Hoping to make him feel better, I tried hugging him and calmly reminding him that it’s just his brain sending the wrong signals and soon it would pass.

It wasn’t like he was upset about something or hurt, it was more like a computer that malfunctions and sends the wrong signals. Then, as fast as it came on, he would recover and move on. This same type of episode happened about 6 or 7 times yesterday in a 5 hour span. Each time he would run to me, with eyes begging for help, to make it go away.

Then late last night, when the last episode hit, he told me he was having bad thoughts. He said that he was thinking his parents didn’t love him anymore and that we were just pretending to. He knew that these were irrational thoughts, yet, they still took a hold of him. I immediately scooped him into my arms (even though he’s almost as tall as me) and told him how much we loved him and shared stories of our love, trying my best to fill his mind with good stuff, hoping to push out the bad.

When I tucked him back into bed, he shared that ever since the first episode that day, he was feeling sadness the entire time, it was only when the feeling was too strong to hold in that he would burst out into tears. With the exception of the final episode, where he was thinking we didn’t love him, he wasn’t thinking anything when the tears would hit, it was only a feeling.


10 comments:

  1. Sadness returned to our house once again yesterday. Today it was more prevalent. Poor little guy is just not a lover of life today. Except his comes out more in anger. We haven't had any rages...he just has big fat attitude and negative words.

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  2. Oh, I’m sorry Marybeth. My son has been showing more anger today too, we’re walking on eggshells. So has the bouncing off the walls behavior gone away with Pdog, or is it still there?

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  3. I am struggling so much with the sadness end of this disorder recently. While I have only broken down once or twice, everything seems to be this long and painful sky of gray. Yet, even that has different shades, allowing me to function one moment and then sinking under that oceanic pressure again. It really is as sudden as your son is showing you, the sorrow just suddenly taking a tip, as you feel your stomach drop and eyes wet. You can feel the tears, and in that moment, all you want to do is sob as if you were responsible for filling the rivers. Even the most fun of things seem to painted gray and dreary, and in that moment even fun or play seems as overwhelming as pushing a truck uphill. You could be given all the gifts and pleasure in the world, yet you would still be unable to feel excited or happy about it; the most you could do is fake it. People are all around you, trying to make you smile. You want to be happy, and you want to please them; however, you just can't smile or be happy right now, because everything looks so miserable. You know that you have things to be grateful for and you know that people love you. Yet, you cannot appreciate truly believe them, not fully. When you look at yourself, you don't remember any of the good you have done, only the bad, and how much of a burden you feel. As all this goes on, you get agitated and sensitive. Noises can feel like screams scratching at your ears, and the smallest of things set you off, making you angry and upset. Everything just gets to you, and you feel like no one could possibly understand. All of it just seems so overwhelming, and you wish you could hide under the covers and make it go away. If it gets really bad, sometimes you wish you could go away.


    I wish I lived close to you, so I could meet and talk to your son. Tell him all of that in person, and hope that he might be able to relate to at least some of it. Depression has its way of making you feel so alone in a word that looks terrifying and overwhelming. It's a time when you most need people; but feel farthest away from them. Tell your son that Erika from all the way in New York understands all that sadness and bad thoughts, those mixed up signals in his brain. Let him know that I'm trying to make sure other people understand, too. That if I were there, he could run to me whenever he may need, listening to those bad thoughts without getting angry and understanding him both when the tears form, and when he tries desperately to have fun, anyways. If you want, you can even read him this comment.

    I'd like him, and all others withose same signals, to know.

    With Love;
    Erika

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  4. This really must be hard for your son to cope with these emotions. I don't know anybody with condition like this, but I can imagine how hard it is for you, when you look at your son every day, changing moods. I wish your son to get better with years. Good luck.

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  5. :( Please let your son know that someone in Oregon LOVES him!! Have you thought about getting a dog? Dogs, especially labs, are always there to pet, hug, listen, and can make you feel a sense of calm. :)

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  6. Erika,
    You touched on something I saw yesterday, when you mentioned how sounds bother you and the smallest thing can set you off, we did see this with his sadness, Now I know to expect it next time and help his brothers be supportive during these moments.

    Dawnelle,
    I agree a dog would be so great, I really wish we could but with Daddy’s and little brother’s allergies, it would be too much for them. I was looking into a horse therapy program for him, I hear it is so helpful, but I found out that all the local programs had their budgets cut last year from the state and can no longer provide their services at a price we can afford. So I’m back to the drawing board.

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  7. If you don't mind me asking, did you read it to him?

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  9. Erika,
    I don't mind you asking, but no I did not read it to him. Since he's only 9, I'm careful of what to share with him and right now, when we discuss his sadness it just makes him more sad. Today was also a very bad day with a long rage. But I was able to share that you feel the same as him, and I did talk to his younger brother about how he can respond to our son by being quiet and staying away. I told him about what you wrote in this post about how when the sadness hits everything can set you off. Today he was able to use this advice and it helped.
    Thank you very much Erika!

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  10. I understand completely, and would have done the same - I was just wondering. I am glad that I could help, if only a little bit.

    With Love;
    Erika

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