I’ve been carrying this sadness around since this afternoon, when I had to hold my son through a rage. I had to hold him to the ground, then fight to keep the door closed, while he was trying to hit me with a toy gun. He threw my eye glasses across the room and he dumped glass cleaner all over his room. I was bit and kicked while I watched the veins pop from his neck as he screamed at me.
I realized more today that he’s getting stronger as he gets older, I barely had the strength to hold his arms flat on the ground while my legs tried to keep his feet from kicking me. We both were dripping with sweat and grunting as we fought to maintain control. If there was a referee watching our wrestling match, I think it would’ve been a close match.
This rage went on for almost an hour.
Tonight my joints are throbbing, I have rug burns on my legs, my shoulders and back are a mess from trying to pull the door closed for over 20 minutes, using all my body weight and still not having the strength to keep it closed. I feel beaten up.
This rage started when my son asked his brother if he would play a game with him. When his brother said no, he attacked his brother. I immediately put him into his room for a timeout and he exploded once again. I tried to keep the door open, to keep him from escalating, but it was too late, he was already holding up objects to throw at my head. Next, I placed him into a hold, hoping this rage could be wrestled out of him, that he would grow tired as he fought to get free. But that moment never came, he seemed to grow stronger and I could feel myself losing control, that my physical strength was no match for what was burning inside.
This rage isn’t the first this week. He had 3 episodes yesterday and this morning he woke me up to tell me that he could feel his anger coming back. This all follows a solid week of peace while he was sick on the couch with a virus, we knew on the 8th day that he was getting better when he destroyed his brother’s lego creations and paced the house in a bad mood within an hour of getting up.
Tonight, I don’t have the energy to figure this all out, I just want to cry... right after the kids go to sleep.