Thursday, August 5, 2010

Feeling Worthless

This week, my son came to me feeling worthless. This isn’t my interpretation, but my 9 year old actual said that he was “feeling worthless.”

When I asked if something had happened, he said, “No. I just feel like I don’t matter... like I’m a germ.”

I immediately hugged him until the feeling went away. Telling him how loved he is and how valuable he is to us. It was clear that this was a brain chemistry problem, not something he was reacting to.

This just breaks my heart, he’s so young and to feel such heavy emotions. Honestly, I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this way myself. I can understand feeling sad, but to feel worthless... it just makes me ache inside.

What amazes me is my son’s ability to communicate such feelings. I imagine that there are grown adults that can’t articulate internal pain the way he can. I pray that this gift will be his saving grace. If he can recognize when his brain chemistry is hurting him, he can seek help, just like he did this week.

The thought of my boy feeling worthless in the future terrifies me. Right now, I’m here with him, I can hug him and be by his side until the feeling passes. I can remind him that it’s just his brain not working right and that soon this all will pass. What happens when he’s older? When he’s living on his own? Will he be able to escape feeling worthless? Will these feelings make him hurt himself? Honestly, I can’t even type what really scares me, but I know that there are other moms that understand.

Are you one of them?

10 comments:

  1. I lost a Bipolar brother to those feelings. He was 45. On the other side, my 28 year old son is Bipolar, finally recognized that his BP is not a figment of my imagination and got help. He is now on Abilify and has been a functioning adult and parent. My son has a rare form of genetic Bipolar. It is auto-dominant, which means if his partner has no Bipolar tendencies there is still a 50/50 chance for each child that they will be born Bipolar. I well remember the rages and the looks and the comments. I am on my second time around with GB, who is my sons biological daughter. She was born Bipolar. We have had her since she was very small and are currently adopting her. Experience helps. You will process what you feel and you will be better equipped to help your son. He is lucky to have you by his side.

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  2. It is a true blessing that he can identify and share his feelings! I think that's half the battle beacuse you (and he) know what you're dealing with. My son has just a tiny emotional vocabulary and will never tell me what he's feeling. I have to parent based on what I think he might be feeling by his actions. That trying to figure out step is tough!

    HUGS to you and your son. I bet you both need them!

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  3. That's tough. What activities does he do that he's good at? I find with my son between the learning disabilities and the bp it is SO important to really focus his time and energies on what he is good at and/or what he really enjoys and then that build of confidence carries him through the bad times. That said, most people bp or not have times where they feel worthless. Myself included.

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  4. I have depression and have struggled with that same feeling. I have to stop and remind myself what is true even though it is not how I feel. I bet as he gets older he will be able to do so too especially since he is so good at recognizing his feelings right now. Tell him i understand how he feels.

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  5. My son is 11 years old with a similar diagosis and at times, similar feelings. He knows they are not rational, we know that they are not rational, but it still painful to feel and painful to hear. It has gotten better as he is getting a bit older, and as we are adjusting his medicines, which, as you know, is constant.

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  6. OMG SO much. I read books and stuff all the time and get so discouraged and scared. I'm afraid to let him out on his own. I have a hard even letting him go to school. LOL But I totally feel your pain on this one :(

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  7. I cried when i read this... it really touched my heart... i hope he can recover to that kind of feelings..

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  8. I cried when i read this... it really touched my heart... i just so missed my son who lives very far away from me... i want to hug him.... :(

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    1. Thank you for reading and sharing Naila, I can imagine how hard it is to be so far apart from one another. ((hugs))

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  9. I cried when i read this... it really touched my heart... i just so missed my son who lives very far away from me... i want to hug him.... :(

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