These words hurt me deeply. It feels like he’s stuck in a deep well calling for help and all I can do is watch from above. I feel completely useless. I know he’s trying so hard and I can only imagine how difficult it must be for him. In that moment, I could see where he switches from not being sensible to understanding how outrageous the situation is. Yet he’s held captive by it, he can’t escape it and continues to rage against me.
I feel we (as his parents) are to blame, we should have left him with a sitter. I should have remembered that what goes up, must come down. In the case of my son, too much fun in a big environment is going to result in a meltdown. Sorry buddy for forgetting that.
I’m so thankful for my husband tonight. For being calm, for saying and doing all the right things. He reminded our son that there’s no “normal”. We all have issues that we’re struggling with. He also let him know that we recognized how hard his struggles are for him.
I wish I could take away these struggles and give my son an easier childhood. I wish that he understood that I don’t hold any of this against him and that I find him just as precious as the day he was born. When we’re struggling, it’s not my son that I’m fighting against, it’s this disorder. After the rage is over, I’m not thinking about the disruption, instead I’m thinking about his words, “I just want to be normal”, I’m thinking about how much I hate mood disorders and how cruel it is to my son and his family.
I’m thinking about how much I love him... as tears roll down my face.