I called my husband at work, crying and waving the white flag. Please come home.
* * *
Things have gotten much worse over the last 3 days.
Day 1: It started out with our first rage in over 2 months. As I held my son down on the ground, he screamed how he couldn’t hold his anger in anymore, while his younger brothers cried in fear. Once his nightly melatonin took affect, he fell asleep on the couch. Just 45 minutes later, my husband woke him up to move him upstairs into his bed. As he began to awaken, he punched a fist up at my husband while his jaw clenched down with anger, all while his eyes remained rolled back into his head from sleep.
Day 2: After a fun day of swimming, his anger returned. He became impulsive and destructive, having to be held down again as he complained about his anger returning every evening.
Day 3: I woke him up in the morning and was startled to see his expression. His eyes looked feral, filled with rage as he stared at the wall, while he laid motionless. His only words were, “I still have anger”. As the day continued on, he was impulsive and explosive, while threatening his brothers, and at times even growling at them to scare them. At bedtime, he was crying because he still felt angry and had too much energy to sleep. Thanks to the Melatonin, we were able to get him to bed.
Today’s erratic behavior brought up a lot of emotions inside of me. I was frightened, sad, angry, overwhelmed and disappointed. At one point, I started to cry and I couldn’t stop crying. Sometimes, rages feel like just another rage, other times they feel like all the rages combined.
I think having 2 months without rages made me lose my defensive edge and I started to let my guard down. Once things began to escalate and objects were thrown against the wall, I started to crumble, feeling every scream to my core.
Then... I surrendered.
* * *
Thankfully, our psychiatrist called today and has ordered the Lamictal for us to start. After pointing out that I couldn’t even get through a phone conversation with him due to my son’s threatening behavior, he encouraged us to take this next step. He advised that we should get things under control now, instead of waiting until he’s older and stronger. I also recognized that my son is suffering with all this anger and it wouldn’t be right to allow it to continue if we can help him.
Please pray for my boy that he doesn’t have a bad reaction to Lamictal, this next step scares me.