Like most of our experiences, the doctor said that this was not typical with Lamictal. He explained that some people may feel tingling in the extremities, but to be sure, we should take a break from the Lamictal and try again in a week.
I tried to use this opportunity to ask questions about his medications and how we know the difference between what are symptoms from the disorder and what are side effects from the medication when it comes to things like depression and seeing monsters. He gave very generic answers that went something like this, “We just don’t know”. He then suggested taking him off everything to see what symptoms remain.
I could feel my skin warming up with frustration and dread as he went on to tell me that you never know, it could be helpful, but there’s always the risk that it could send him into the hospital. As he finished, he added that summer time is a good time to try this since he doesn’t have the stress of school.
When I asked more specific questions about my son, his response was that he didn’t know my son well enough to give me an answer.
Can you hear me screaming inside???
So I asked him about all the charts and logs I created recording my son’s experience over the years and if he could review this to get an understanding of his case, he cut me off and said that he would just talk to him to get to know him.
Yes, I’m really feeling angry at this point.
Then I asked him, “What can we do to make this happen, do we make lots of appointments with you?”
He casually said, “Yeah, I guess we can do that. I’m gone for a while, so I can see you in a month.”
This is our HMO at work. Brilliant.
Well you’d think the excitement would end there, but no. Tonight I just finished holding my son as he suffered a frightening panic attack.
Upon being startled by his brother, he went from having an overwhelming desire to scare his brothers, fighting an expression of elation mixed with suffering as he cried, “I look like I’m having fun from the outside, but I’m not on the inside, help me!”
Then he flipped out, going into full flight mode and frantically trying to get away as he rolled into a ball for protection. He screamed out, “kill me!” as he cried about all the bad thoughts in his head. Then purposely slammed his head on the ground many times and punched his forehead with his fist. Then with great anxiety, he tried to cover his eyes from all the “dark shadowed men trying to get him in his brain.”
As he started to calm down, he had the genius idea to ask for a video game to play so he could focus his brain on something other than all the bad thoughts. This really did the trick and helped him calm down and thanks to the recent melatonin dose, he fell asleep quickly after.
So here I am again, feeling frustrated and knowing in my gut that there must be better care out there.