I’ve been torn as to whether or not I should blog about it. At first, I knew I couldn’t because I was still licking my emotional wounds and didn’t think I could write without being overly emotional, then I wasn’t sure if I should write because some things are just better left unsaid.
But then I thought about that other mom. Maybe it’s you. Maybe you have experienced this same thing and are scared to talk about it, like me, yet still live with the pain. So I decided to be real and expose my experience because I know that I’m not alone.
Last week there was a day where my son’s moods were off. Even his teacher emailed me to warm me that he was struggling about his homework assignments. When I picked him up at school, he greeted me with growls and sharp words showing his dissatisfaction.
Once home, things naturally escalated. I tried to encourage him to do his homework, even reduced the amount of problems but his behavior was escalating faster than I could keep up.
At one point, he ripped up his homework, then I taped it back together, which he responded by ripping it up again and even eating part of it so he could guarantee it’s destruction. Then he was in “the mode”, even using profanity for the first time. He walked around looking for things to mess with. He began throwing away my important notes for a job I was working on. I was still calm and in control, asking him to take my papers out of the trash, to leave my things alone and to please go to his room to calm down. But he continued to push and then I lost it.
I screamed at him, “LEAVE MY STUFF ALONE!!!!”
As you can imagine, my reaction was like throwing a match on a pile of gasoline. My son exploded, screaming at me in a wild manner while I screamed back. He then began grabbing clementines off the counter and launched them full force at my head.
I chased him up into his room where he grabbed a large stick (like a thin baseball bat) and then he began chasing me around the house while swinging the stick at me.
He never hit me, but scared me none the less.
As I was running from him, I was overcome with fear, I began crying and begged him to stop.
But without hesitation or any emotion, he continued to rage.
It wasn’t until my middle son came armed with a plastic toy sword yelling, “LEAVE MOMMY ALONE!” That my son became distracted, allowing me to grab the stick and tackle him to the ground.
I held him for at least 20 minutes, most of which he fought and struggled to get away. Thankfully my husband was on his way home and was able to take over from there.
The episode was over, but the pain lasted into the night as I cried myself to sleep.
I felt guilty for escalating the situation. Had I remained calm, I could’ve diverted him, even found a better way to mange his moods, but I didn’t. I let my emotions take over.
I was also deeply disturbed by my son’s unrelenting behavior. Especially when I began sobbing in front of him, begging him to stop. I was completely caught off guard by his reaction. I thought he would’ve pulled back and that he would’ve recognized that he was terrifying me.
The fact that he didn’t, shook my core.
When the episode was over, he returned to his loving, sweet self, though deep down I know he was dealing with his own regret, even sharing that he was God’s mistake. How does a child recover from this?
As my husband tried to comfort me, he reminded me that though he appeared threatening, he never hurt me and he clearly had the opportunity if he wanted it. But for me, I was feeling anger and hurt and had a hard time wanting to be around my son in the remaining hours of our day.
This made me feel like a horrible mother. To think these things and to feel these things.
I will always and forever love my son, nothing will ever change that, but I was scared of my own child.
How does a mother cope with that?