Sunday, April 22, 2012

A Mother’s Nightmare

Last night I had one of the worst nightmares I can remember. I was dreaming that my son was in a rage and was smothering me. In the dream I was trying to scream for help but was having a hard time breathing. Unlike real life rages, my son was a few years older in the dream and he was trying to cause me serious harm. Other than that, the dream was so close to my reality it was disturbing. I ended up waking up my husband in real life as he heard me yelling out his name in my sleep and when I woke up, I was having a hard time catching my breath and felt my heart pounding through my chest. I was terrified to go back to sleep since the nightmare was reoccurring.

It made me wonder... do “normal” moms have nightmares that their children are trying to harm them? How about you, have you had this type nightmare?


17 comments:

  1. Mama Bear, I'm so sorry! That must have been terrifying. No, I've never had that nightmare but I do worry about just that in my everyday doings. I worry that the monster inside my son will come barreling out and seriously hurt me...especially when he gets bigger than me. Because he most certainly will get bigger than me. No, I don't think moms of neurotypical children have those kinds of nightmares. ((HUGS))

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    1. Great to hear from you again Jewel! I have the same worries as you, that he'll hurt me, I think that is where this dream is coming from.

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    2. Not a premonition, but a deep fear from living on this side of the rages.

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  2. My Sweet Mama Bear: Our dreams, and consequently our nightmares, are most often about our day to day thoughts, although usually convaluted. Our fears are what almost always present themselves as nightmares. Your fears about your son's rages are almost certainly what caused this nightmare. Most mothers don't experience children's rages as you have had to do. I had a dream about my oldest son's death a few nights ago and sobbed for an hour after waking up. Aren't dreams wonderful - and - aren't dreams awful !!

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    1. I agree with you MIL, I’ve shared my fears with you in the past and I think for some reason they were alive in my dreams that night. I hope in time the fear will diminish as my son gets better.

      So sorry to hear about your dream the other night, I know you carry this in your mind and heart everyday, hopefully having a good cry helped you a little liked it does me. Sending you hugs and love...

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  3. Hugs Mama. One theme I notice that runs through your blog a lot is that you have great fears regarding your son. In a way your son is smothering you right now because he is causing you so much anxiety. Spinning through your head...How do you fix things now? How do we deal with this behavior or that one? What is happening with his meds? How will we deal with school? What will happen regarding the bully situation? And on and on.

    The problem is, anxiety is transferred. So the more anxiety you have, the more he will have. The more you fear him, the more he fears himself. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Take a good look at this and don't let him drive your train.

    It will all be alright, Mama. Your son is going to be alright. If the bully situation gets out of control, get him some boxing or martial arts lessons for self empowerment and change school situations for sanity. If his rages become uncontainable, get him a punching bag to release the energy safely and a prn med to calm him mind. If that doesn't work and he keeps raging and is dangerous, he goes to the hospital or RTC.

    It might not be easy, but it will all work out.

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    1. LOL! I have themes... that seems funny but I guess it's very true since this is where I dump all these fears out.

      I agree that fear is something that has developed over the years, I know others in my home have it too, I wish it wasn't the case, but after years of feeling unsafe, the fear becomes instinctual. We are working on this but I’m afraid it will take time for the anxiety to go away. I hope we are on our way.

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  4. Remember that dreams usually are a metaphor for what is going on in your daily life and not necessarily prolific. It is your mind's way of making sense of all the various issues you are trying to handle at any given time. So knowing that and shifting the attention to you, could your dream be more about your own feelings of anxiety of feeling "smothered" by your son's challenges. You also said you were trying to scream but could not. Think about how you need to find the time and the appropriate way for you to release some of your own rage and "scream" out loud. As you are finding all the "right" answers for your family, try to remember that as mamas we also have to mother ourselves. And sometimes we have to allow our selfs to "scream"! You don't always have to be perfect, because you already are with all your faults. We all are doing the best we can and sometimes, for today, that will have to do.

    LOLAS as always.

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    1. Thanks RedBird!

      I’m sure my anxiety is a source in this dream, I hope I can find my peace in time. Love you!

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  5. So sorry you had such a horrible dream, Mama Bear. I don't think I've ever dreamed about Bug hurting me. My biggest fear has always been that she'll hurt herself.

    Before I read the other comments, I too was thinking that your dream sounds like it's more of a metaphor for the daily struggle of dealing with your son's illness rather than your actual fear of him hurting you. I think Meg and Redbird summed it up perfectly.

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    1. My son hurting himself use to be my biggest fear, but as he gets older, it has changed for me since he seems to express his pain more outward towards others than inward. Either way, they both are disturbing thoughts I hope I can let go of.

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  6. I don't think I've had a specific dream about my son hurting me, but I frequently have anxiety dreams about his behavior and him hurting himself or his sister. And I have "run of the mill" anxiety dreams about out of control situations.

    I think it is perfectly normal (in your circumstances) to have a dream like this.

    And I did have a real life reaction to him the other day when he rushed at me in anger (but pulled back at the last minute) My heart raced and I was terrified.

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    1. That's the feeling I get every time my son's behavior escalates, I start to feel my heart race and my stomach twist as I get prepared for what's to come. Thanks for sharing your experience with me Heather!

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  7. Papa Bear loves you and will always be there to protect you Mama bear.

    Though I had the dreams many times, I never actually went to school without my pants on. Not once have I flown over the grand canyon with no feathers or wings. and I have never been in a hot tub full of Sports Illustrated swim suit models. (that last one is a joke..I never had that dream, it was Larry King and Ted Turner and they wer'ent wearing swim suits :-)

    I love you baby

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    1. LOL! Welcome to my blog Papa Bear, it's so nice to see you here bringing “the funny” as you usually do! I’m so glad you're on this journey with me! I love you too!

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  8. Papa Bear's a funny dude! And he makes a great point. **Hugs**

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